help

WARNING-BRAIN PUKE
the following is just a bunch of brain vomit. literally, just stupid neurotic shit. if you want to read the actual first entry of my blog, scroll to where i have the lines that say scroll here!!

danke

[no im italian]

yes, i have a blog.

yes this is my first technical entry.

yes i will change my template.

but first.

help. i can't keep on like this.

no i wont go off and kill myself, though i'd love to, i can't. i merely ask this.

how dyou get your brain to stop thinking? it hurts.

i'll try spitting it all out into a brain vomit style blog. sometimes they help

right now i NEED someone to just tell me
"you're NOT going crazy"

crazy people dont know they're crazy. psychotic people dont worry about being psychotic. or much of anything really, they're too busy in the ignorant bliss of being psychotic and hearing things and seeing things. therefore if im asking myself if i am, i'm not. hallucinations are real to the person experiencing them. you can't just worry that you hallucinated. either you didn't, or you did, and there'd be no question. and you'd be strongly convicted that you saw or heard what you hallucinated

ah, that's better

its like calling a help line, except less terrifying. because its just my blog. and i know i understand. and you understand.


==============================START HERE=================================

now, a little about me

i'm NEUROTIC. could you tell?

i love makeup. love

i have a beautiful little boy. i worry every day that i will never be the mother that he deserves. he really truly is the most amazing child in the world. maybe he was sent to save me. i think that makes sense. he never cries, isnt clingy, he's very intelligent, he is cuter than the gerber baby with big chubby cheeks, blonde hair and baby blues with very long lashes. he is very sweet. there has never been a person who disliked him.

i have severe ocd. it makes me have irrational worries, even about my son! but as i was told, if you're nutso and going to lose it, you wouldnt sit there worrying about it. you wouldnt even know. because you'd be nutso, and have lost it.

i also delete things or throw them out. i can't leave a book intact, although i love to read.

again, i really love makeup.

i really really want to tell my boyfriend that i love him. he is amazing.. he's so.. normal.. great guy and i should be less high maintenance to him, but i can't because that's just me. and he's taking it. i hope he realizes im worth it =]

every day is a struggle for me. literally. my brain hurts sometimes from all the shit going through it sometimes

i want to be normal. would rather be ugly, poor, stupid, than have ocd actually or anything like it. it's awful

i love God. He helps me through very tough times. I hope i can be a terrific mother like Mary.

i need friends. and playgroups. friends and playgroups. and normalcy. and a lobotomy please.

that would be terrific..

i guess i'll tag each post as makeup, clothes, life, etc, because im certainly not creating three different blogs for each category. besides, brain vomit is so interesting when its right after a makeup review or tutorial

speaking of which, anyone help with youtube? i think i can become a guru. im awesome.

i also want to be a better mother. and have a better brain. anyone who can help with that would be greatly appreciated as well.

i asked my mother earlier, i said, for the first three years of my life, did you feel like the worlds worst mother? and dakota too?

she said

"i still feel that way"

guess i aint the only one.

anxiety just makes us think a certain way. i'll conquer it.